Continuing the "bookings
for shows that never actually happened"
trend, here's what was planned for Cardiac Arrest back in '99:
FUW: Cardiac Arrest
General stuffs: Our
commentators are, as usual, W.B. and Ric Bear. A number of wrestlers (I would say anybody that
involved in killing Disco Stu, and a few of the more sarcastic
ones that did) should be wearing black armbands. Dr.
Creation #2 are in the front row. The announcers should run down
important happenings from January
before things really get going.
The card, in order.
a normal match: The Unajobber vs. Japan, The Bear!!!
Winner: The fans, Japan, The Bear!!!
is no longer announced as a member of BS (but not
announced as NOT a member of BS).
Match: The Dark One & The Ninja vs. SCAR
Misc: The Dark One & The Ninja slowly
fall apart as a team during
this match, and end up coming to blows.
Most likely Mann. Edwin demands to know what Carlson has
done recently, why he shouldn't be fired. Carlson
talks about DCW,
and how he's bringing them in for an exhibition match. Edwin is
skeptical, and tells
him to 'get his boys ready.'
Angle: Dr. Itzelf points out that Edwin
Mann had said the previous
month that "He (Edwin) saw potential in Dr. Itzelf's creations and
to give them another shot. Hence, the audition match for
Cataclysm, but Edwin declares that TU is barred from
that the match has a 5-minute time limit. Fistfull of Jobbers & the
blackmail angle will
be used at Death March.
Exhibition Match: The two wrestlers DCW want to put
on a match at our
Winner: One of the two guys DCW sends.
Misc: Guest commentator: The
DCW commentator. Edwin Mann decrees
that "DCW will be barred from all future FUW events if their guys show
our guys up."
Interview: Little Bitch and VJT
Audition Match (take two): Creation #2, Cataclysm vs. Creation #1,
5-minute time-limit draw.
Stipulation: Team Ubermensch barred from ringside.
Misc: Lots of no-selling.
Edwin sends Calson into the ring at one
point, Calson gets wiped out & Helga Gootentite tends to him.
Post-match speech: Entropy. It sure is a shame that Creation #2
Interview: Arkham. They're crazy. Schitzo is gonna win that match
just proved that SCAR is one bad mother fucka, and Big
Daddy is going to prove once again that he is the craziest SOB
later on tonight. Big Daddy & SCAR challenge whoever has the belts to
a tag-team title match
Tag-title match: ToC vs. W.B. & The Jew, Juda
Pre-match speech: The Jew
Misc: Juda Goldman & Thee Altar Boy brawl after
the match. W.B. gets tied up in the ropes (handcuffed?) and Brother Dan & Altar
Boy lay the smack down
on the Jew, until Thee Anjel comes out to make
a save. Anjel argues with the rest of ToC.
Interview: ToC. Anjel isn't happy with what they've been doing
lately. Brother Dan
says that he and Thee Altar Boy will accept
standing: Big Daddy vs. Black Cat, Jook Williams vs. Mr.
Nice Guy vs. Someone Else
Winner: Cookie sheet
manufacturers, Big Daddy
Stipulation: No countout, no DQ, no pinfall, no submission. Men are
when they are unable to answer a standing-5-count.
Misc: As hardcore as possible. Lots of weapons... make
What I'd like to see: The first sucker getting totally mauled in a
Jook and Big Daddy as the final two, Jook getting
powerbombed off the apron and through a table (if he'll
UBN #1 Contender's Match: Schitzo Johnny vs. Dre
Stipulation: BS and Arkham are barred from ringside.
Misc: UBN Champion, Grunge Puppy is a special guest
Grunge Puppy helps Dre win.
What I'd like to see: Recognition of the standing feud between
Puppy and Schitzo Johnny. Perhaps we could see this end in a triangle
match at Death March following
another golden Schitzo interview...
Interview: BS (w/Japan). Things
are better without Disco (Japan
doesn't look happy with that). Grunge Puppy expects Dre to lie down
him in March, Dre is down wit' that. Puppy declares that the new,
improved future TAG-team CHAMPions of the
WORLD, Mr. Nice Guy and
Japan, the Bear!!! (they are Mr. Nice Guy and Japan, the Bear!!!)
should be getting the
title shot next month.
FUW Heavyweight Title #1 Contender's Match: Little
Bitch vs. Violent
Winner: Violent JT
Misc: Carlson, Edwin, and Entropy all interfere. Possible
Ubermensch involvement to take Entropy out. Special guest
commentator: Thee Anjel.
Angle: "A moment of silence" and a 10 bell salute for Disco Stu.
Stayin' Alive cuts
in during the salute.
Champion vs. Champion (non-title): Thee
Anjel vs. Grunge Puppy
Winner: ??? (Grunge Puppy?)
Stipulation: There must be a winner.
ToC makes an appearance and tries to interfere. Anjel stops
them, and tells them to leave. When Thee
Anjel turns his back, ToC
jump him, while Grunge Puppy watches, amused. The Jew (of all people)
save, and the match continues. Violent JT also runs in,
landing some sort of Dew Drop on Thee Anjel. Schitzo
should also make
an appearance... Dre could run him off. As BS is celebrating in the
ring, Stayin' Alive
plays over the PA again...
How Death March would look:
Death March Match (Jew, Altar Boy, W.B., Little Bitch, Schitzo,
Entropy, Black Cat, ?)
Dark One vs. Ninja
ToC (Dan/Altar Boy) vs. Arkham (Big Daddy/SCAR) vs. BS (Nice Guy/
Japan) vs. ?? (The Jew/? or Black Cat/Cataclysm)
DCW Heavyweight title match
Dr. Igor Itzelf in: A Fistfull of Jobbers
Grunge Puppy vs. Dre (vs. Schitzo?)
'Disco' Stewart Mann vs. Carlson 'the Man' Mann
Thee Anjel vs. Violent JT